


Broken

by RavenTao



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Crying, Cutting, Depression, Friendship, Kuroko can't let go, Kuroko is a big mess of emotions right now, Kuroko just wants someone to love him, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, is that too much to ask for?, living in the past, this fandom is killing me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-02-27 22:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2708270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenTao/pseuds/RavenTao
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes in the course of human events, things break. Sometimes, People break. And it hurts. It will always hurt. That's just the way life is. It's your choice if you get back up. Or quit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's The Little Things

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this isn't really a chapter 1 or anything, it's more for testing the waters. Besides, if I post this then maybe I'll be more motivated to work on the rest of it if it grabs enough people's interest.

It was the little things … the things no one truly noticed until it's far too late and you're left sobbing on the floor clutching his jacket that he had left at your house months back. The things you tell yourself to get over it; " _He wasn't all that great anyway", "It was just a fling", "It wasn't really love" … "Life will never be as bright without him …"_

They all start to fade together, and you come to the one conclusion that you never wanted to see;

" _I'm so empty without him."_

Things like this, they can be triggered by the littlest things, something familiar usually. A gesture, a phrase, a glance, a smile, a hug–– the way you can feel their eyes on you even when you know there's no one there. … Things can hit you out of the blue; seeing the happy couple across the street talking, laughing, smiling, sharing a moment, a kiss, a treat, holding hands like they're the only ones in the world. And it all comes flooding back … and you can't help but cry harder, because deep down, you oh so desperately want it all back. Of course you would never say it. Well, not to the wrong people anyway … not out loud.

 

_Not to anyone._


	2. Genuine Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one.
> 
> If I'm gonna post this, I'm gonna break it up a bit.
> 
> Every new chapter is pretty much where I had put a page break in the original document. So, they'll pretty much be location changes and time skips. Some will be longer than others, but at least this way more of it will be published sooner.

It was Sunday; we didn't have school but still had practice which had just gotten out. I had stayed back for a while after, just watching all of my teammates leave one by one.

"Good work today Kuroko!" They each called in various ways as they passed. I would nod to them in acknowledgement and then go back to my thoughts. I stayed there for a good while after they had all left.

Sitting in the corner of the locker room, my knees pressed to my chest and my head laying on my knees. Just me, myself, and my thoughts; only leaving when the Janitor came in to lock the doors. I suppose it was about time that I go meet up with Kagami, though perhaps I should clean up a bit before that. I grimaced as I took in the snot all over my jersey jacket and the wet feeling still on my face. I sighed, walking over to the water fountain; I splashed myself, scrubbing the tear tracks away. I turned off the water once I deemed myself presentable again and looked in my bag, pulling out a large black hoodie. It used to be Daiki's, but he had grown out of it back in junior high and so he had given it to me. It was still several sizes too big, but it was warm and it was what I had. Slipping my soiled jacket off, I pulled it on over my uniform. The hem almost reached my knees, making me feel like a little kid again. Smiling sullenly I nuzzled the fleece inside of the hood. Wearing this jacket,  _his_  jacket, … it always put me at ease.

As I walked into Maji Burger quietly, I spotted Kagami still sitting at our usual table. I ordered my usual vanilla shake and made my way over to join him. I wasn't really up for company right now but declining Kagami's invitation would have been suspicious. I don't pry into other people's lives and I expect others to reciprocate the sentiment for me. Of course I should have expected Kagami kun would be the exception to that rule. My new light could be really nosey when he wanted to be.

"Are you okay?"

I didn't respond, rather, I glanced to him out of the corner of my eye and then went back to watching out the window all the by passers.

"Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?"

I clutched my shake a bit tighter now, my eyes narrowing minutely in tired irritation. I was not talking about this. Not with the one who managed, without even trying, to dig these painful feelings up. I wouldn't. ... Not that I could had I even wanted to anyway. I had been perfectly fine before he came barreling into my life.

True, I suggested the partnership, but they were just so similar … I suppose that's the reason I shouldn't be too surprised that this happened the way it did. I did bring it on myself, didn't I?

It's my fault.

I closed my eyes and opened them again after a second, taking a deep, calming, breath. That little girl across the street was walking her dog, her friends next to her chattering away, smiling, laughing, having fun. They all seemed to be so happy. … How was I to know that Kagami's smile would send a shiver down my spine like his did? That our fist bump would slowly crack the wall I had built up when we had split apart. That having a new light, would most definitely be my  _worst_  idea yet.

I should have quit. They wouldn't miss me … Seirin wouldn't have had a chance against them … at least, not so soon anyway. And even if they did,  _I_  wouldn't see them. Without basketball I would never see any of them again. What a refreshing idea. I love basketball, with all of my being –– well with all that was left of it, but it was causing nothing but heartache.

"Kuroko!"

I glanced over to him again, my face void of any emotion once more, as was the norm by now. I remember when I would smile for him … how he would smile back, that bright smile that could guide a ship safely to shore through the thickest of storms. That smile that could eclipse the sun itself with its radiance. It hurt remembering such a time. Kagami had a nice smile too but, nowhere near as dazzling.

"Yes, Kagami kun?" I drawled, a little more irritation seeping into my voice than I had intended.

"Quit ignoring me and answer my question! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look it. And who's jacket is that anyway? It's way too big for you."

I looked down to myself. What was wrong with Daiki's jacket? It was roughly three sizes too big but it was warm and it used to be his. It was the only thing I had left of him. Why did I need to answer to him anyway?!

"Can't a man have a jacket that's too big for him?" I quipped.  _Get me out of here. He's going to ask questions. He's going to figure it out._  It wasn't that I was hiding my "has-been" relationship with my past light, but I didn't want to get into it here. I didn't want Kagami kun to see my ugly side –– To see me break down.

" … Well, I guess … but it doesn't really seem like your style." He paused to eat one of his burgers in two large bites. That seriously can't be healthy. "But then that still leaves the matter of why your eyes are all red and puffy."

I shoved my seat back and stood up. I was done. I didn't want nor need this conversation right now. Or ever for that matter. Taking my shake with me, I left. I heard him call my name several times but before he could grab his food and run after me, I was gone.


	3. Is It Really Worth The Trouble?

" _I should have gone to school."_  was my initial thought as I glanced at the twelve unread messages that my phone was flashing at me when I turned it on that afternoon. I looked to the clock; school would be out soon and then there would be practice and then I could probably expect someone, if not the whole team, to stop by and berate me for skipping. I didn't even sit up on my bed as I sifted through them;

7:00AM [Good morning Kurokocchi! I'm looking forward to our game tomorrow! I'm super excited! Maybe we could go to dinner together afterwards? Like old-]

7:00AM [times you know? Bring Kagamicchi too! Oh, I'll just text him myself, have a good day~!] - Kise

8:10AM [After practice, meet me at Maji Burger. We need to talk. You can't just run away from me. We're partners.] - Kagami

8: 11AM [Talking will help. Trust me.] - Kagami

9:00AM [Seriously, where are you? Why didn't you come to school?] - Kagami

9:05AM [I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday … please text me back.] - Kagami

11:36AM [Coach is mad at you you know.] - Kagami

11:50AM [Kuroko! Where the hell are you?! Why weren't you at morning practice?! Do you know how much trouble you're in?! I am going to find you and when I do you are going-]

11:50AM [to wish that you had never been born!] - Riko

12:00PM [You're gonna have hell to make up tomorrow if you aren't sick.] - Kagami

12:03PM [Good afternoon Tetsu kun! I hope you're having a fantastic day~! 3] - Satsuki

1:00PM [Kuroko … I didn't mean to offend you … please answer me … I'm gonna call after practice if you don't answer me!] - Kagami

I stared at my phone for a while. Sighing, I typed a quick response to Kagami;

2:38PM [ _I'm fine. Don't use your phone during school hours. - Kuroko_ ]

Sighing again, I threw my phone as far away from me as I could. I didn't even care when I heard it hit the wall near the door to my room. It was a durable enough phone, it would, sadly enough, survive.


	4. Depression Is Exhausting

"Kuroko, practice has been over for hours, we were supposed to meet at Maji Burger but you never sho- … Are you okay?"

The door was left wide open as Kagami rushed across the room. It's not like I meant for the door to be open though it made sense since I don't remember locking it. I tried to sit up, to stop crying … I was failing. I don't even remember when I started crying. I was falling. I hadn't felt like this since the day it had ended.

The day he just walked away.

I was still sobbing when Kagami got to me, pulling me to his chest and enveloping me in a tight, warm hug. The likes of which I hadn't experienced in such a long time. It was nice, it was comforting, … it was familiar. They were so similar, yet, completely different.

"What's wrong? You can tell me." He murmured quietly into my ear, and I cried harder. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I dropped the jacket and the Teiko yearbook I had been looking at from my hands, fisting them instead, in the front of Kagami's shirt.

"Don't." I managed to get out between the gasps for breath and the sobs wracking my body. I'm sure I was a right mess by now, that I was getting him completely soaked in tears and snot. Gee, wasn't that a lovely thought.

"Don't what?" He asked quietly, patiently, waiting for an answer.

"Don't tell," I sniffed, swallowing the bile and phlegm that had gathered in the back of my throat. "Don't tell anyone." I paused, a "please" leaving my lips so quietly that even I could hardly make it out. The arms around me tightened and I could feel him nod in agreement.

"Of course not, who do you take me for? Koganei senpai?" he chuckled slightly, but it died before it became a real laugh–– the mood not lightening in the slightest.

"No one."

"I promise. Kuroko, what's wrong. Why are you crying all alone like this?"

I pushed him away, wiping my nose on my arm and threw the infernal book across the room, the same direction as my phone, it was pissing me off anyway, reminding me of such happy times. Why couldn't things just go back to how they were? I picked up the jacket I had been clinging to. It wasn't  _like_  a lifeline, … it  _was_  a lifeline. It was the last connection I had to my life with him and I missed it. I needed it, I craved it. Without it, I'd fall to even more pieces, pieces that would scatter to the winds as they blew me passed, leaving me a puzzle with pieces missing so as to never be put back together ever again. Or at least, … that's how it felt. Like a part of me was missing. Like I was empty, that nothing could ever make me whole again. For so long now I had been keeping it to myself … the thought of another person knowing scared me. Especially that other person being Kagami.

I clutched the jacket to my chest as I backed away from Kagami, my head falling to smother myself in the lump of fabric in my arms. It hardly smelled like him at all anymore. I took in a deep long breath, smelling the jacket, smelling him, remembering, breaking, wishing for it all to go back to the way it was.

"Kuroko."

I shook my head, pushing his hand away as he reached for me. I wasn't about to tell him.

"Go." I croaked. "Please. I'm sorry." my voice hitched, and I could feel my breath catch in my throat. I didn't have to look up to know that he was disgruntled. That he was glaring at me but that it was concern, not hate. I knew he didn't like that I was keeping secrets from him. But I couldn't let him in. It was a bad idea. A terrible idea.

Once he had left - I could hear the door, both my room and the front, click behind him - I pulled the large jacket on once more over my own. Even if it didn't smell like him anymore, it was still a fond memory. My eyes were blurry and I couldn't keep them open any longer as the last few tears dripped down my cheeks as I curled back into myself on the floor. Crying, being sad. It was exhausting.

I must have fallen asleep like that since the first thing I noticed when I came back around was that it was dark outside my window. The second was that I wasn't alone. Kise was sitting on my bed, staring at me with a stern look in his eye. It didn't fit him.

"Doesn't anyone knock anymore?" I muttered, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. My cheeks felt tight with the dried tear stains. But I paid them no mind.

"How often?" There was no bite to Kise's words as I would have thought there should be with that look he was giving me.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Kurokocchi. … Why did you hide the jacket? The reason we got rid of the other stuff was because you would cry yourself to sleep every night and we were worried. … Kagamicchi texted me. He said you were acting weird. I didn't think much of it until he mentioned the jacket." That  _traitor!_  He said he wouldn't tell! He promised he wouldn't say anything!

"He didn't mention you crying if that's what you're glaring about … he didn't need to. As soon as he mentioned Aominecchi's Jacket … I ran straight here. "Do you know when Kuroko got his new sweatshirt? It's way too fuckin' big for him, you should tell him to return it." was what he told me."

"What do you care? None of you did anything." I muttered as I stood up to wash my face. As I headed towards the washroom Kise cut me off.

"I do care! We all care! That's why I'm here! That's why we got rid of all of Aominecchi's things for you!" He pulled me to him, my second hug today, lucky me. "Kurokocchi, please. How often do you cry like this?" He asked softly and I wanted to retch. All this fake caring, and compassion and the soft voices like I was about to break. None of it did any good, I was already broken. I could hardly breathe without him and no one seemed to get that.

"Go home Kise kun, go back to work, or wherever you came from. Just leave me alone."

"No." His arms tightened around me. "You can hit me, yell at me, whatever you want … but I'm not leaving you like this." I shoved at him, trying to break free … it wasn't working.

"I don't need––"

"You do!" Pulling me to the wall with him, we both slid down and I sat there, my back to Kise's chest now, my head on my knees as I held them to me. I suppose … Maybe I could trust Kise with this much …

"Why does love hurt?" I muttered, eyeing the Teiko yearbook just across from us, I couldn't quite reach it. But Kise could. He picked it up, flipping through the pages till he landed on the one of our Basketball team. All of us were smiling and looked like we were having the time of our lives. I was in the middle, Daiki was behind me, his arms draped over my shoulders and his chin resting on my head. Akashi and Kise to my left and right. Murasakibara with a bag of chips, as always, just behind Akashi on the left, and Midorima on the other side of Kise on the right. It was a nice memory. I could almost feel the waterworks about to start again.

"It hurts because it was real." He paused and set the book down again, closing it gently. "You can cry Kurokocchi, no one would blame you … just don't keep it to yourself. The rest of us are here for you ya' know."

"Rest?"

"Yeah! Midorimacchi, me, Akashicchi, even Murasakibaracchi!" I couldn't help the chuckle that passed my lips.

"Midorima and Murasakibara kun too?"

"Yeah. All of us. And … maybe, you should tell Kagamicchi too?"

"Why? So he has another reason to hate Daiki? To compete with him?"

"Out of everyone you have the most right to hate Aominecchi!" ignoring Kise's outburst, I continued.

"I don't want them fighting because of me. I don't want … I think … I'm going to quit."

"WHAT?! All because of stupid Aominecchi?! No! You can't do that! We all promised! You can't do that! You can't, you can't, you CAN'T!"

"It's my choice. I'm no where near as good as the rest of you. I can't shoot, I can barely dribble; all I'm good at is passing. And anyone can do that."

"Not like Kurokocchi can! No one can pass like you!"

"But do my passes really make that much of a difference? I mean honestly, I'm pretty much useless against Daiki and I don't have enough stamina to really play a game." I sniffed, pushing back the overwhelming wave of sadness that threatened to wash over me at any second.

"But that's just Aominecchi, and I'm sure that you put him on edge too. And there are ways to bring up your endurance. Please don't quit Kurokocchi!"

"But it hurts. I don't like this pain in my chest." I screwed my eyes shut. "Every time I see Daiki or Kagami, it hurts. It hurts a lot."

"Quitting won't solve anything!"

"Yes it will!"  
"No, if you quit then everyone would just be super worried about you! Kagamicchi goes to school with you; do you really think you can avoid him? And I'm sure that as soon as Aominecchi gets wind of it, he'll call you out on it too! … What about the rest of us?" I heard him sniff and felt a drop on my head. Kise was crying now too  _fantastic_.

"It's just too cruel to quit now. Please don't." He mumbled into my neck. "Not after everything you've done for us."

"Then make it go away."

"Hypnotism?" He was half joking but I could hear that he was trying to help at least. " … What if Aominecchi fell in love with you again?"

"Can you do that?" It was empty hope but hope none the less and I almost felt it … until he spoke again, my heart dropping to my stomach.

"I don't know, we could try … or you could find someone else … Kagamicchi seems to like you a lot …"

"I can't fall in love again … especially not with another light. It didn't work out the first time and I don't wanna repeat. It's all Kagami kun's fault anyway!" I could feel him wince.

"I see … So that's why you want to quit? Because Kagamicchi and Aominecchi are too similar?"

I nodded. That was about the gist of it. I felt him rest his head on the top of my own as he seemed to be trying to calm down. I don't know when, but at some point while we were talking I had dropped my left arm to the floor and now I could feel Kise's fingers on the sensitive skin of my under arm. Stiffening I pulled my arm back as if I had been bitten. He didn't need to see those. No one needed to see those, the signs of my weakness, of my emptiness. I'm glad it wasn't the other arm. I glanced to it, it had been awhile since the last time, a week, maybe two, and I could still feel the sensation of blood trickling down my arm. The way a small amount would start pooling in my hand till I moved it and let it drip onto the floor.

"Why would you do that to yourself Kurokocchi?" he asked quietly, it was almost a whisper, but I could hear it as if he had screamed it. The disappointment in his voice was crushing. He was probably mad, furious, disgusted, repulsed. Why wasn't he letting go of me? Pushing me away? He should have. I refused to answer. The answer was obvious after all. I needed to feel alive. To feel something other than the biting darkness of depression, something that wasn't heartache. "This isn't the answer. Aominecchi wouldn't be happy if he knew."

"Why would Daiki know?" I asked sullenly, fingering the scabbed over hatch marks on my arms. There were four of them going across both of my wrists. If you looked close enough you could see the stains on the wood floor next to my bed, could feel the dozens of other scars up my wrists. I hid them under my sweatbands most of the time. But would anyone really notice if I didn't? I'm invisible anyway.

"Because I would have to tell him."

"No." I was drained. I didn't have it in me to argue, I could hardly keep this conversation up. Despite of the many hours of sleep I had just woken up from I was still tired. My body was heavy and I couldn't keep my eyes open no matter how hard I tried.

"Akashicchi would have to have words with you as well."

I shook my head as he spoke.

"You don't have to tell anyone." I turned my head upward to get a better look at him. "It could just be our little secret."

"Kurokocchi, this is bigger than that." He hugged me tighter. "What if you end up killing yourself?"–– he obviously didn't understand. Of course I knew I could die. That's why I did it. "How could I possibly live with myself if that happened and the police asked if anyone knew you had a tendency of self harm and I said I knew but never told anyone? Or worse yet, didn't speak up at all. Not to mention how angry everyone else would be at me for keeping it secret." I felt another sigh coming on. I knew he was right. I knew that and even still I didn't want him to tell anyone.

But he had to.

He was obligated to.

"Kise kun …" I murmured. It was a desperate attempt, a last ditch effort … but what else did I have to lose? My distraction was waning. I was about to be outed. I needed some solace in this empty, pitiful excuse of a human life.

"Yes Kurokocchi?" my former teammate asked as he adjusted himself to look down at me at a better angle.

I couldn't see straight anymore. My lids were so heavy and the warmth was so nice. My eyes couldn't focus on anything, all I saw above me was a yellow blur. I reached up and touched his cheek. It was so soft … so completely unlike what I expected, and yet, exactly as I should have thought. It was unmistakably Kise. And I needed that.

The warmth of his hand over my own as I touched him was amazing, and oh so very welcomed. "Please … don't tell … just, stay here with me?" I pulled his face down to mine and we shared a sweet first kiss. Nothing like what my first kiss with Daiki had been, but for Kise, it was pretty good. It was nice. It was simple. It was sweet.

It was simply Kise.

But, like I had surprised him, he surprised me. He pulled away, blushing like a virgin. You'd think someone as pretty and popular as he was wouldn't blush like a middle school girl after a kiss with his male friend.

"W-w-what was that for?" he stuttered. He was adorable. LIke a puppy almost. His big yellow eyes accented by those feminine lashes looked down at me. I could feel the shock, confusion, the hesitance that radiated off of him. There was no awkwardness. I suppose that meant that it had been okay? Maybe.

I frowned.

"I wanted to kiss you." I answered simply.

"B-but, why?!" I slumped forward, a sigh on my lips once more. "Eh, Kurokocchi? Kurokocchi, what's wrong? Did I hurt your feelings?" I could hear the panic in his voice as I felt myself close to the edge. Why was I so tired? My body, not just my lids, felt like lead. Lifting anything was just too much work. My head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, the most I could do with it was turn to almost face Kise. Where was that throbbing coming from too? Shaking my head to alleviate the pressure didn't work it seemed. It also seemed Kise took that as an answer as he gave a relieved sigh and I could feel him relax some of the tension that had built up during the very short kiss. Oh well. He hadn't, so I suppose that worked.

"I just need someone. Please?" I muttered wistfully.

"I'm here for you Kurokocchi, but … not like that. I don't think it's healthy for you to try and attach yourself to me just to replace Aominecchi. I can't …" He seemed unsure of his own words, but I understood.

"Will you help me to the bed then … I can hardly feel my legs anymore."

"Yeah."

He helped me up and we managed to stumble over to the bed, once I made contact I curled in on myself. My arms pulled in tight to my chest. I just wanted sleep. "If … If you want, I could stay the night with you, if it would help." Kise offered quietly.

"No." I murmured. That wouldn't help at all.  _Not if you weren't going to stay with me the way I wanted, the way I needed._

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Go."

I heard him sigh. "Fine. Sleep well, Kurokocchi."

Once he was gone I could try to sleep again, I was hardly able to keep my eyes open any longer anyways.

I suppose it was the next morning when I next woke up, it must have been. My alarm was blaring in my ear and I couldn't quite reach it while still staying cozy and warm under the blankets.  _Damn_  my brain for being smart enough to get me out of bed in the mornings. Groaning I rubbed the crusted sleep from my eyes and sat up. My hair, I could feel, was a mess. Just as it always was, so it was nothing new really. I counted to three and then threw the covers from my body. The cold hitting me like a ton of bricks. Stepping onto the wooden floor of my room I cursed under my breath.

"Fuck." Why must everything be fucking icicles in the morning? Why, for once, couldn't I wake up to a nice  _warm_  floor and a room not feeling like it's below zero? I looked in my mirror as I passed it on my way to the bathroom and sighed. Yeah. Today would be a shitty day too. Not to mention I still had to play against Kise. I swear, the universe was just laughing and giving me the finger. Why was everything in my life just so messed up?

_Because he left._

No. That would be stupid. My life doesn't revolve around Daiki.

_There are several cuts on the inside of your arm that say otherwise._

Okay, you know what, brain? Fuck you too.

 _I am only telling you what you already know._  
Yeah, well maybe I don't want to remember. Ever think of that? … Dammit, I'm arguing with myself now. Fantastic. It was only then that I noticed my phone going off. How long had it been doing that? Walking over to the wall where I had left it, I picked it up, only to see two new messages from Kise.

6:45AM [Good morning Kurokocchi. I still want to go to dinner with you after the match.] - Kise

6:47AM [But, only if you're okay with it. … I won't push Kagamicchi coming as well if you don't want him to.] - Kise

I rolled my eyes and dropped the device back to the floor before getting back up to go and brush my teeth. If I didn't show up today then I was really done for. Whatever Riko had planned for me, I guess I'd just have to deal with it.


	5. Everything Is A Lie

School seemed to pass quickly, none of the teachers mentioning my absence the day prior. I really was invisible. There or not. It didn't matter. No one ever notices me. Not like he did. I could never hide from him. Not that I'd ever wanted to. Lunch finally came, and before I knew it; Furihata, Kawahara, and Fukuda kun had all gathered around mine and Kagami's desks.

"Are you okay Kuroko kun?"

"Why weren't you here yesterday?"

"We were really worried about you, you know."

_Lies._

"You seem irritated today." Kagami's voice rang out.

I sighed and turned my head away from them, facing the window, laying it on my arms as I focused my eyes on nothing in particular. The wind blowing through the trees. The odd plastic bag making it's way across the courtyard. The groups of friends talking and laughing as they ate. Kagami kun was annoyingly perceptive this morning, but I didn't say anything in response.

"Did you get it out of your system last night?"

My eyes narrowed, standing up, I slammed my hands down on my desk and walked away.

"What about lunch? Aren't you going to eat anything Kuroko kun?" Furihata's worried voice trailed after me, before I had gotten too far. I didn't know where I was going, but I did know that if one more person asked me " _are you okay?"_  I was gonna lose it. All too soon I was met with more people, though, once I looked around, I wasn't quite surprised. I had managed to, in my musings, wander into the second year hall.

"Hey, Kuroko kun, glad to see that you're feeling better." Satoshi senpai smiled as he was walking back to his classroom with his food, Mitobe and Kogane senpai not far behind him. "Kagami texted everyone last night and said you weren't feeling too well yesterday, which was why you weren't here." Well … I guess that worked. I don't have to come up with an excuse now at least. I suppose I should feel grateful to Kagami kun. I should. But then again, I should do a lot of things. I didn't ask him to cover for me. I told him to mind his own damn business. More than the gratitude I should have been feeling, I felt anger. "Hey, you know, if you want, you could come have lunch with us! Since we're not allowed on the roof right now, we don't really get to see you except for club activities. I think it'd be cool to get to know you more." he turned and smiled to his classmates. "Don't you guys agree?" Koganei and Mitobe both smiled and nodded, Koganei shouting a resounding;

"YEAH!" Honestly, I couldn't see any way out of it. Sighing, I agreed and walked with them into their classroom; Hyuuga, Riko, and Teppei were sitting in a circle waiting for their return. They all smiled when they saw me. I'm starting to regret my decision to join the basketball team here.


	6. Careing and Shareing makes me sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it's confusing, doesn't make sense in some places, or seems kinda vague; it's supposed to be.
> 
> it's in Kuroko's PoV so when he's not paying attention we miss details. If that makes sense

During practice I couldn’t even concentrate. None of my passes made contact, or just the opposite and ended up hitting someone. Not that I didn’t find it amusing seeing Kagami kun getting hit in the stomach with a high speed pass. But the others didn’t seem to share that sentiment.

    “That hurt, you sure you aren’t doing this on purpose Kuroko?” Kagami groaned holding his stomach after being hit for the fourth time that hour.

    “Of course not, if it was intentional you would know.” I chided. “It’d hurt a lot more, just ask Kise kun.” I bit with a subtle sidelong glare but I knew Kagami had understood it. He almost looked taken aback. Almost like he regretted something but wasn’t quite sure what.

    “Are you in a bad mood today Kuroko kun?” Teppei asked, coming up to me and placing one of his freakishly large hands on my shoulder. I wanted to shrug it off. I wanted to tell him where he could shove his faux concern, but then they would really know I was “upset”.

    “I’m fine Kiyoshi senpai.”

    “If you’re fine then focus already! We have a match against Kaijou soon and you can’t be messing up like this with them!” Riko fumed. I could practically see the steam coming from her ears, but I really couldn’t bring myself to care.

    “Well then I apologize for having an off day.” I mumbled pointedly. Though of course no one noticed. They would never notice. Not with my flat tone never changing. It seemed that Kagami kun wasn’t convinced though.

    “Are you still upset about last night? I promised I wouldn’t tell you know.”

    “And I believed you until I woke up to Kise in my room watching me sleep!” I hissed. “When I said don’t _tell_ I meant not to say _ANYTHING_ to _ANYONE!_ Especially not to Kise of all people! I blame you entirely for his involvement Kagami kun!” I snapped. It felt good to get that off my chest. To yell at someone. To yell at Kagami. But I could also feel everyone’s eyes on us now. I had raised my voice to yell at him, I hadn’t meant to. But I was just so angry at him, at Kise, at everyone, that I had just lost it. My chest was heavy and I could see Kagami instinctively back away a bit as I glared at him.

    “K-kuroko … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-- why was he at your house?” He stepped up to me again meeting my glare with one of his own. “I just asked about the fucking jacket!”

    “The jacket isn’t mine dumbass! It was Daiki’s!”  I turned on my heel and walked passed all my shell shocked teammates and back into the locker room with a quiet but still irritated “excuse me” as I passed coach Riko. I needed to cool down.

    “What does Aomine have to do with all this?!” Kagami asked irritatedly as he followed me into the locker room. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He was just such an idiot. It was a bitter laugh, hysterics and everything. I couldn’t stop. What did Daiki have to do with it? He had everything to do with it! He was the entire reason I was so messed up now!

    “Kuroko?” Kagami kun asked hesitantly, placing a hand on my shoulder, a hand I immediately slapped away.

    “Don’t touch me!” The glare I leveled on him was heavy with the disgust I felt towards everything right now. “Just stay away from me.”

    “Look, Kuroko, I’m sorry about Kise breaking into your house, but that isn’t my fault!”

    “Like hell it isn’t! Kagami kun, EVERYTHING is your fault! I was perfectly fine until you came along! Do you _enjoy_ making a mess of other people’s lives? Do you _like_ causing your so-called “friends” pain?”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about Kuroko! What exactly are you blaming me for?” He took a step closer. “ _Everything_ isn’t a going to tell me what I did wrong, or what I should apologize for. If I did something to hurt you, you need to  tell me what it is!” I was quiet a moment, could he really be this dense? And what about me? I couldn’t just say; “Say sorry for not being Daiki.” But that was essentially it. The reason things were so bad was because they were too similar. So then … what _could_ I say?

I could feel myself slipping farther and farther into that dark place, I was already this far gone. … I’d have to explain at some point … no. I don’t owe these people anything.

I turned around and subsequently ignored Kagami. His pestering, his shaking my shoulders. I was done. I was so done that I just wanted to shut down. The whole thing was juvenile but it made me feel just a little bit better. Staying home, going to school. It was all a pain. A colossal waste of time. Between the silent treatment and Kagami’s pestering I don’t know how long we were in here. Longer than practice had lasted, none of the others had come in at all … I wonder what they were doing out there, waiting maybe? What if they called the match off? That would have been great. Would Kaijou come in on this bombshell of a fight? Kise would probably try to pacify it. I wonder if he ever did tell-

    “Tetsuya, you’re acting like a spoiled child.” I guess that answered that. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t have to. I could tell by his voice that he was angry. I heard him click his tongue in irritation and walk over to me. I was only slightly surprised when he took hold of one of my arms. I knew what he was going to say. I didn’t want to hear it though. “Tetsuya, look at me.”

    “I’d rather not.” But I turned towards him regardless. His eyes were hard. “Kise talked to you didn’t he?”

    “And your coach. She said you were acting odd.” His eyes softened as he reached for my sweatband.

    “I don’t need your sympathy Akashi kun.” I wanted to pull my arm away, but I couldn’t move, at some point he had backed me against the lockers so I was stuck with nowhere to run to. Part of me wanted to see the look on his face when he saw the hatch marks on my wrist, but another part didn’t. That part wanted to pull away and curl up into myself under the benches.

    "No you need help. Tetsuya this is the kind of thing we were trying to avoid. And instead of letting us help, you ran away."

    "I don't need help either!"

    "I get that you're upset, but the only person you have the right to be angry with right now, is yourself." I knew what he was going to do. The part of me that didn't want him to see wanted me to pull back, but it seemed that that part of me that wanted to revel in Akashi’s discomfort was winning since I ~~didn’t~~ couldn’t move away fast enough. As a result, Akashi got what he wanted, just as he always did.

He tore off the sweatband ignoring my small struggle and stared. I saw a myriad of emotions fly through his hetero-chromatic eyes. I honestly expected, wanted almost, for him to slap me. To push me away.

Something.

Anything.

I want them all to cut out all that fake “caring” bullshit.

Except he didn’t. He didn’t do any of that. He pulled me closer. I’m sure it was a sight. Expressionless Kuroko with wide eyes and mouth slightly agape being hugged by Akashi Seijuro, the feared captain of the Generation of Miracles. I was stiff as he hugged me tight. I was lost and confused and out of my element. I didn’t know what to do. Which, today of all wondrous days, made me even more irritated. At what or who I couldn’t quite tell. Probably Akashi. Probably Kagami. Most likely both of them.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You could have trusted us a bit more.” That struck a nerve. Who was he to think _I_ needed help?! That _I_ couldn’t handle this on my _own_?! I wriggled in his arms, trying to push Akashi away.

“Get off me! I don’t need you or anyone else to coddle me! I know what I’m doing!”

“Tetsuya! Look at yourself!” He took ahold of the arm he’d been holding tightly, so tightly I could feel my pulse against his hand. It was beating faster than a hummingbird’s I swear. He brought my arm to my face “Look at what you’ve done. How stupid are you to think you can handle something of this gravity on your own if you’ve already sunk this far?”

“I’m not dead yet, am I?” I glared at him.

“Not _yet_ you aren’t!” We stood there quietly, just glaring at each other for a long while before a familiar voice that I had honestly forgotten about spoke up.

“Kuroko …” Kagami’s voice was quiet, not something I was used to. I shifted my glare to him, he was white as a sheet. I followed his gaze and finally managed to snatch my arm back from Akashi’s now slightly less than iron grip to move it out of sight.

“Staring is rude Kagami kun.”

“I didn’t know … why would you- What the fuck Kuroko?!”

“Not everyone is perfect like you Kagami kun.” I retorted bitterly.

“That’s not the issue here Tetsuya! I understand that you’re hurting, I understand why too. But you have to move on.” Akashi cut in.

“I tried. I only just started again. Most of these are from last year.” I wasn’t justifying anything. They just needed to know I had actually stopped at one point. … For like, a week. But I had stopped. Except that that feeling of the blade of my knife biting into my skin was so nice. Sure, it hurt, but so did everything else. But I could control this pain. And compared to the pain of a broken heart, it didn’t even come close, didn’t even register. The blood dripping from my arm was a novel feeling honestly. It was intriguing to watch. The small red beads of iron rich blood were so entrancing that once it stopped, I just kept making more. I knew what I was doing dammit! Why didn’t _anyone_ seem to understand that?!

“When last year did this start?” Akashi asked, his tone serious, demanding even.

“Why should I tell you? Why should I tell any of you anything?!”

“Going into hysterics won’t solve this Tetsuya.”

“Your reprimanding me won’t either!”

“Are you trying to test my patience Tetsuya? Because I can only tolerate your indiscretion for your own life for so long. You could kill yourself by doing this.”  He took my arms again and pinned them in front of me, obviously trying to restrain me. If he thought I was just going to roll over and comply with his wishes, he had another thing coming to him.

“He left. I can’t change that. You can’t change it. Taiga can’t change it either. But you can move on. Don’t let Daiki control your life.” I struggled more, fighting him. When all I could manage  was to almost get one arm not quite free I settled for glaring at him. For such a small man, he was strong. Well I suppose he was a bit larger than me … but only by like two inches.

“Go away Akashi kun.”

“I can’t, you obviously need supervision.”

“I do not!”

“Kuroko … I don’t understand. What’s going on? Why would you do that to yourself?”

“Tetsuya, you need to let us all help you.”

“Like you actually care.” I averted my eyes, trying to look anywhere but in front of me. Those eyes felt like they were trying to read my tattered soul and I couldn’t stand it. Zoning out, I  glanced around and noticed that one of the lockers was a slightly different shade of red than the other lockers. It was actually quite orange. Didn’t Izuki Senpai use that locker? He must feel pretty special. The one orange locker is just for him. I tuned out all of Akashi’s ranting and raving, I ignored Kagami shaking me again. What was I? A rag doll? I was going to get a concussion if he kept doing that shit. See, I’ll die of brain damage before cutting kills me. Ugh, People are so annoying.

“Just go away already. I’m sick of this.” I groaned, leaning my body back against the lockers that Akashi had me pinned in front of for most of his tirade.

“Were you listening to a single thing I just said?” Akashi asked. I could hear the eye twitch in his voice.

“Honestly?” I turned back to face him again, “No, I wasn’t listening at all. And if you go off on me again, I’ll still tune it all out. I don’t care Akashi kun.” suddenly my face stung and a loud smack resounded in the locker room. Kagami had slapped me. Hard if the pain in my cheek was anything to go by. I stood there wide eyed and slowly, I don’t even know why, I just couldn’t help it, I started to laugh again. I suppose it was the comical thought that they actually thought they could help. Or that they tried to make me think they cared when really, they didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. Half the time they couldn’t even notice I was in the same room as them and now I’m supposed to believe that a few cuts on my wrist is supposed to change that? I’m still invisible. I’m still replaceable. I’m still me. Nothing has changed. Not a single damn thing is different. Honestly, compassion was the biggest lie of them all. My cutting never bothered anyone when no one knew, why should it bother anyone now?

“Kuroko. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you can tell us. Me, Seirin, your former team even, we’re a family. And as a family, it’s our job to help each other out when they fall. You fell and didn’t let any of us know so we couldn’t help you back up and dust you off.”

“As lovely as that analogy was Kagami kun, I’m going to have to stop you right there. I don’t care about all this “Family” bullshit. Okay? I don’t need your’s or anyone else’s help. I am perfectly fine with where I am right now.”

“Tetsuya.” Akashi spoke my name in exasperation. “How can you honestly say that you aren’t hurting? How can you look us in the eye and say you don’t need help when we’ve seen the proof? You’re being stubborn. Just because Daiki broke up with you doesn’t mean you have to throw your life away. There are plenty of men and women out there who are far better than Daiki.

“And what if I don’t _want_ better? What if I just want all of you to leave me alone. What if I just want all of this pathetic caring and sharing and “ _help_ ” to just just go away?” I mustered all the strength I could from my body and pushed Akashi away from me, the slight stumble in his back step making me feel just a little bit better.

“Now if you don’t mind, we have a game to play.” As calmly as I could, I walked by both of them, grabbing my sweatband back from Akashi as I passed him, and made my way back to the gym where Kaijou and the rest of Seirin were waiting. The next person who said I needed “help” was going to get an ignite pass to the crotch.


End file.
